Lowering down to the ground, I knew something was wrong.  I could feel the shock setting in, but couldn’t pinpoint the origin of the pain.  It wasn’t until my tongue swept the inside of my mouth that I realized it was my teeth. The bottom row of my teeth had all been smashed into the wrong position.  The feeling of my teeth being bent inwards was sickening.  My gloves were covered in blood from holding my mouth.  It was all wrong.  What was supposed to be a successful bout at the world championships in my home country; I was left with broken teeth and a broken jaw. I had fallen out of the roof of my second qualifying route at the ice climbing world championships, and with my ice axe in my mouth (as competitors do when “matching tools”), the rope wrapped itself around the axe, and when it went taught from the belayer catching me, the force of the rope around the tool drove the tool so hard into my mouth, it broke my jaw and teeth.  

Over the last few years, the amount of grief and trauma I had been served was unfathomable.  The depths of pain I had endured (emotionally)…I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody.  Whether it was my brother dying, my mother dying, friends dying, or witnessing traumatic accidents, it seemed endless.  How much more could I take? Life had begun to weigh so heavily…contemplation of “giving up” was something that would haunt me every day.  I was too close to “the edge”.

The mental state my accident put me in; the broken jaw and smashed teeth, it was dark.  I was so lost in the darkness that everything began to slip.  My job, family, climbing career.  There was no energy…for anything.  It was like it was the final straw.  I just wanted to give up.  Like many, I’ve endured loads of injuries through sport.  It’s just part of the gig.  When you try hard, and take risks, you’re bound to “hit the ground hard” sometimes.  But this time, this time was different.  I had wrapped so much of my identity around the world championships in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.  I had gone against all my best practices and attached my self-worth to something that was mostly out of my control.  You NEVER base your identity on a result.  But I had lost my way- grasping for some sort of false affirmation through sport.  It was all wrong.  In fact, I never should have been there.  For years I had spent so much time working on my mental strength in sport.  But through all the grief and trauma throughout the years, I had forgotten the principles I had studied.  I had forgotten the important reasons as to why I competed.  Instead, my mindset was lost in the turmoil of a false identity. 

As the months went on, living off soup and jello, something started to shift.  Without any sort of understanding, my body started doing things that it had never experienced.  It was (physically) moving differently.  I was noticing differences in performance; faster, stronger, more focused.  I had gone through many injuries before, trapped in mental turmoil, but it was always the same process: rest, recover, and return to the original state.  But this time, there was the usual return, but it didn’t stop there.  My body was improving beyond what it had ever experienced before.  For some reason, I even started running.  I never liked running.  Ever.  But there was something about running that led me to running almost every day.  Quickly there was progression, running further, longer, with more confidence.  When I would run, my mind would enter this state of calm.  There was peace, and rest.  Out of nowhere, running created a space for my mind to navigate through the darkness.  There was light.  For years I was lost in the darkness.  But there was light.  To be totally honest, my Instagram algorithm connected me with a lot of inspirational pieces, that resonated so deeply, it’s like they took my hand and guided me towards better things. One in particular, that I repeat to myself every day: “I am not the darkness that I’ve endured.  I am the light that refuses to surrender.” So, I don’t think I’d say it all came from within, but, more so, I grasped a hold of inspirational pieces that revived me within. It felt like It was a solo journey, but through that usage of social media pieces, my mindset began to change, which allowed me to be better outwardly in the world.  Social media can be a scary thing, but sometimes, just sometimes it can be the light you were searching for.

I was moving differently.  With more confidence.  Confidence was always a struggle.  The constant battle of self-worth always kept me from “my absolute”.  But there was no hesitation now. In fact, there was excitement. What had held me back for so long; the trauma, grief, physical injury, all replaced with motivation, drive, and determination.  The “shift” was more powerful than I expected.  I could see it, feel it, but I never in my wildest of hopes would have imagined what would ensue.  After my injury at the World Championships, I swore I would never pick up ice axes again.  The very thought of my jaw and teeth being broken from an ice axe.  No thanks. Hard no. But the “shift”, it was like my eyes opened for the first time again.  Months later, I picked up my ice axes, without hesitation, and started moving.  My goodness.  I was faster, stronger, smarter, smoother.  What happened to me? How, after so many months of darkness, after so much time off from my ice axes, was I moving better than ever before? How was that even possible?  It didn’t matter.  I was smiling.  For the first time, in so long, I was truly smiling.  

Whether running, mountain biking, or climbing, people were continually commenting on how I was moving better, and with more confidence.  Someone even said, “That’s the most confident I’ve seen you move within years”.  The shift was real.  It was happening.  I could feel it, mentally and physically.  I was excited to let whatever was happening take the lead.  I let go of any control and just moved.  For the first time in years, I felt lighter (mentally and physically).  It was like I was free from the pressure I thwarted upon myself for so long, the fear that held me back from “going for it”.  I could just be.  And let me tell you, it was fucking incredible.  

It didn’t take long for someone to notice me training at my gym, with ice axes in my hands.  Of course, the question, “Are you going to compete this season?”.  Without hesitation, I smiled, winked, and replied, “most definitely”.  I never thought I’d find my way back, out of the darkness.  A lifetime of hurt, fear, sadness-my mental state constantly beaten up by the unfathomable.  I’ve lost many people in my life to the darkness and without a doubt, that darkness had me trapped as well.  I still can’t pinpoint how I found just enough light to guide me out, but as I moved with those ice axes in my hands, with such confidence, I knew I had more to give.  Through running, climbing, mountain biking; simply put…moving, my body and mind found a way back.  I could see life differently.  Family, business, friends, sport, it all looked differently.  I could see it all, and all of it made me smile. 

I never would have thought such a traumatic injury would be the catalyst for the biggest come back of my life.  I was literally teetering on the edge of “no return”.  But now? I’m different now.  Life is different now. I’m faster now.  Smarter now.  I Fear less now.  There’s less “weight on my shoulders now”.  My eyes are open now, filled with a new confidence…an unshakable willingness to try harder, to be better.  The biggest thing I’ve learned, through this entire journey, is that for me, I realized there was more.  More to do, live for, try for.  Not everyone finds that point, and I feel like I was close to “not” finding that point.  But I believe “more” is there for everyone.  You just need to hold on.  Trust that there’s more.  Even if you can’t see it, there’s more.  As well, social media platforms like Instagram…there’s good that can come from it.  I would go as far as to say, it may have even saved my life.  I’m a competition climber.  I’m a mountain sport athlete.  I’m a business owner.  I’m a father, husband.  And this is my way back.